I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
