Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
