i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
