I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The power of my boobs compel you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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