Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
