I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize