I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
