captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
