how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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