Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I looked at my own cervix.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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