My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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