dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
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My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
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You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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