he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
