I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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