I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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