i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
