Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
