He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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