Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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