he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
