i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
