god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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