so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
