She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
