Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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