my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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