i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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