I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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