wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
