I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
