i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
