That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
