She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
