shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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