i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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