God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
