just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
