I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
