Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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