You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
