Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All the doctor said was why
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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