what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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