its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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