he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
