Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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