new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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