hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
