life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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