Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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