she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
