i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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