We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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