i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
