she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
