Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
