There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
