I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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