im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
