I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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