You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
