so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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